Be Real With Me

Maybe love shouldn’t feel like magic

I want love –in all its forms– there’s no pretending or denying it,

But I also believe that I’m not ready for it.

I know for a fact that meeting someone that’s actually good for me right now would scare me more than anything,

I’m even more scared that there’s never a moment where you’re “ready”,

I also know that I’m not good at letting go of fear.

I’m prone to hiding, so much so, that I hadn’t realized how much I do it;

In the little things, like when a friend asks me what I’m reading and all I say is ‘a book’ or the genre

Or when someone asks what I’m listening to and I say ‘a musical soundtrack’

None of the things I’m into are really that niche or unusual,

But when someone treats it like it’s weird once, I hold it close to my chest and run; desperate to never let anyone treat it like that again, I shove it under the rug first.

But how does love work if you don’t let people in?

If you don’t let that person be a little weird with you?

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I keep seeing prestonrack’s Instagram posts with different people saying what love is to them (you know, the ones that start with “be real with me”?)

And there was always a connecting thread running through those.

So many different people, telling the same story in different ways;

Love doesn’t work when you keep pushing back against it, love should feel like letting go, like safety to be yourself – all of yourself.

I’m learning to stop pre-rejecting myself just because someone did before,

I’m learning to be more than a collection of defense mechanisms,

I’m learning to stop deleting the past versions of myself once I don’t identify with that girl anymore,

I’m learning to yearn less for a connection that doesn’t need to be explained; because sometimes explaining is the best part,

Because that’s how I always end up loving people wrong – I expect understanding to build itself like a magic castle,

But connections take work; love means trying together.

So this is my attempt at being real with you.

Love shouldn’t feel too easy from the jump.

Because how many times have you caught yourself trying to be easy for someone else to swallow at the start?

Love isn’t any less beautiful because you had to tell them about the book you love, rather than having them already love it.

Love isn’t suddenly wrong because they can’t read your mind.

Loving is growing into each other.

It’s saying “oh, I’m reading Babel by R. F. Kuang, and it’s so beautiful” when someone asks you what you’re reading, because what if that person wanted to say “tell me more”?

It’s listening to their playlist because you want to know what goes on in their mind.

It’s having the hard conversations and explaining miscommunications, because your love for another person doesn’t disappear just because you didn’t read their mind and figure why they feel distant at the snap of your fingers.

Love is choosing to understand.

Love is letting yourself into someone else’s world, and letting them into yours.

Everything I know about love, I know because God loved me first.

I’m glad I could finally finish writing this one. I hope you liked it.💗