Dear March; Dear April

At first, March felt thought out, simple, orderly,

Like to-do lists quickly scribbled on post it notes

And that was different, because I’ve always been able to keep track of what I need to do

I didn’t need a plan for things to fall into place or a strict schedule to be efficient

It was different because it wasn’t spontaneous bursts of energy, it seemed steady, but it was only steady because it was nothing

I was just running on empty

So it all fell apart

For some reasons I couldn’t describe, I was hurt

Was it because I was hurting myself? Or I was internalizing ill treatment?

I still don’t really know

Maybe it was both, maybe it was neither

That sadness bled into April’s beginning

The days were hard, and it made me bitter

Now April is over and it feels like God cleaned up the mess that was in my mind

I’m not scared of being who I am anymore

Shame, which was always my greatest fear suddenly feels very simple, laughable; it doesn’t feel like the worst thing in the world,

It feels like a prelude to some of the best things.

I’m not as shy as I’ve been for the past year

I’m not choosing mediocrity

Because the more time I spend with God, the more I see I’m not supposed to be average.

“No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5‬:‭15‬ ‭NLT‬‬

If I’m supposed to be light, like Christ, why am I choosing to hide?

Sometimes I’ll fall, but it doesn’t cost me the chance to fly.

I like Greek mythology, so I’m familiar with the story of Icarus

And the most well known moral is don’t fly too close to the sun, so you don’t lose your wings,

But Icarus’ father also told him not to fly too close to the sea too, and honestly, I’m tired of choosing the middle ground,

I’m tired of choosing to drown.

Tobeee is brilliant and she said something that stuck with me “only regret the things you don’t do”

And it’s honestly some of the best advice I’ve gotten.

Most of the hurt and doubt that stays with me is because I chose not to take a leap of faith,

Half the things I worry about are things I wish I hadn’t left alone.

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April was sweet to me.

April kind of reminded me how I want to be loved in life— a reflection of the way God loves me,

April held me carefully but firmly; like a scolding, but one that clearly came from a place of love and kindness.

I didn’t truly doubt who I was and my worth for long, because I was reminded that I’m beautiful and special inside and out.

In April, I found confidence in a way I thought I had lost,

I feel balanced, and really that’s just the beauty of faith and prayer.

I don’t know what May and June and the rest of the year will bring,

But 2026 is starting to feel like closure,

It feels like dreams brought to life in the form of reminders,

It feels like things I’ve always wanted to redefine about myself are starting to make sense; what parts I should grow out of and what parts I just had to grow into,

It feels like certainty in a way I’ve always doubted I could feel,

I guess, somehow, it feels like I’m growing up in real time,

Not because I’m pressuring myself to

But simply because God is my best friend and shepherd like my name implies,

And I’m not desperate to be in control, He always has my back.

Tell me how your month went?🫶🏽