Odds and ends

I don’t think I’m simple with you guys often enough, and I might not write to you like this again, but here’s to trying

Hi, I’m Rohi, you probably already know that

I got back from a two day trip to Lagos today, and I’m still not a huge fan

It never stopped raining, and I really don’t like rain when I’m not looking at it through a window while I’m safe and dry

But I was there with my siblings, and I always feel safe with them

I didn’t always, but now I don’t know what I’d do without them

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It’s 10:03PM, and there’s no light, which is unusual

I want to start reading Love, Theoretically by Ali Hazelwood

But I also want to watch One Day, a limited series my oldest friend recommended to me

And I want to study my Bible for about 3 hours non stop

And I want to sleep

And I want to talk to someone

But I can’t do all of them at once, so I’ll have to start with Love, Theoretically.

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I’m just getting back from a season of disconnect, and I’m hoping I don’t get pulled back into it

I don’t think I’ll let that happen

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I miss my friends badly, but these days I don’t know how to talk to anyone

It’s like everything I’ve learned about socializing goes out the window 20 minutes into any conversation

And I also feel very idle in comparison

So I don’t talk to anyone

I stay in my bubble, floating away

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I don’t like getting angry, because I spent so long asking God to free me from it

But I’m sitting here, listening to my mom complain about my brother

And I’m understanding why my mind is transactional

Why I never want to take anything from anyone, because I don’t want to owe them

I’m so scared of doing or saying something that will keep someone up at night, complaining to who will listen instead of directly to me

I wish I were an island, but I know I can’t be

So I walk in the straight lines that make me feel safe instead.

I wish people would just be honest about what makes them angry instead of keeping it to themselves

And I wish I didn’t feel such a desperate urge to please from my very core

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It’s 6:57PM on the first of July

I was talking to my sister yesterday, about a man who had made me uncomfortable even though he was just asking questions about the queue we were on

She said ‘but you’d ask questions if you needed to’

And I had replied not-so-jokingly that I would actually rather suffer in silence and never utter a word

She looked at me and said ‘we need to work on that’

Today, I apologized for something that was honestly not at all my fault, and once again she said, ‘we need to work on that’

And that’s part of why I love my sister, and how I’m learning that I want to be loved.

I don’t truly want to be told I’m uncomplicated, I just want someone who will walk with me, arm around my shoulder, while I work through it; who won’t make me feel like I need to fix myself for them, but instead as though they simply want to help me grow; for me.

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I’m sitting alone again

I want to watch Elle, the Legally Blonde prequel on Prime

I’m trying to figure out how to talk to my mom about my internship

I want to read a book, but I don’t know which one

I want to catch up on the days in my 365 day Bible plan that I’ve missed

I want to cook Jollof Spaghetti

But I can’t do it all at the same time

So I’ll read my Bible first, and like always, everything will fall into place after that

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It’s 6:07 on the 5th of June in the middle of Sunday evening service in my church

I’m starting my internship tomorrow, and I’m half excited, half concerned; because what if I’m the only intern? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I spend the next month feeling like a fish out of water

But what if it goes well?

It’s not as easy to fall into my overthinking patterns, so I’m not going to. Not this time

I also don’t know if I can wear trousers, which is difficult, but it is what it is

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It’s 9:02 on the 7th of July, Day 2 of my internship

I’m in court now, as part of my internship

And suddenly I don’t hate it as much as I always say

I see myself in this life, in this light

I’m grateful I got into my faculty, and for my current grades

I’m grateful for where I am

My grades don’t define me; God does

My dreams and what I do with them do

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Wednesday is my favorite day of the week, because it’s right in the middle

And I guess I’m a glass half-full girl, because instead of that making me feel stuck, it makes me feel closer to the weekend

I’m happier on Wednesdays, and I miss them when they’re gone

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I just realized that I am going through a bit of heartbreak right now

But it’s different, because I’m not sad; I’m relieved

But that relief of knowing I’m not trapped in limbo with someone who won’t ever choose me, doesn’t stop me from being disappointed

Because my heart still falls when someone says his name

I’m admitting this because I promised myself more acceptance; more honesty

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I like using ReadEra to read novels, because I can quote and annotate on the app, and this one of my recent favorite lines

The end of these odds and ends that I put in my mind’s bottom drawer