So much left unsaid

And for what?

I find that I censor myself often, so these are things I never told people, because it felt like my chest would split if I had.

---

I want to leave, I want to start again; but I’m not sure you want me to.

I don’t have anyone to talk to about it, and I hate that I can’t talk to you, because I constantly think and worry about the times that will come

Will we only have video calls that will eventually fizzle out when our lives no longer match up?

Will I spend the next few months feeling unmoored?

---

I spent so much time wanting to be chosen last because it felt like you always chose me last.

Don’t ask me how or why, but somewhere in my preteen brain, I decided that I wouldn’t let that happen to anyone but me, because I was used to it; I could take it;

That’s not true.

I want to breathe, and I want to feel chosen by more than myself.

I just wish you had taught me how to draw the line when my brain was still a blank slate

---

I didn’t know what to say to you when you came,

I was happy to see you,

But too much time has passed and I’m awkward,

I can’t just fall back into a dynamic that existed when we were ten,

No matter how much I wish I could.

---

I often hate studying Law, it feels like I’m always missing something (and that’s not a unique experience, but I guess I whine about it more than most)

I don’t dream of being a Barrister, or having Esq. behind my name,

I just know it’ll be there, because I never give up on anything once I start it.

I just want to be something and I don’t know what it is.

---

I know I’m being annoying right now, but I don’t have the heart to care

Because a lot of the time, it feels like you’re doing your very best to judge me,

And it’s draining to constantly act like it doesn’t bother me

I try to convince myself that I deserve it

That I deserve to feel picked on or judged

But the more I try to punish myself by believing that, the more it hurts, the less I want to, the quieter I get

---

I think I lied

To you, and myself

I’ve been over you for a while

I’ve seen who you are, and exactly why there will never be an us that works

But I let myself dream

I let myself be treated like a clingy cat, because I didn’t want to deal with those ‘what ifs’ my mind constructs anymore,

And I’m free now,

I just wish you would leave me alone for good

---

I wonder if we’ll ever be friends, because I don’t think us being family is enough to make me love you the way I should.

I love you by nature, or so I’m told, it doesn’t feel like the truth

---

I hate being in the choir, it feels like living a lie

But I love to sing, so much, and that makes it feel like I only like doing it when it’s secular

Which fills me up with guilt, even though I know that’s not true.

---

Our friendship feels stilted, and I don’t know if it’s a ‘me’ thing, or if it’s even conceited to assume that.

I don’t know how to fix it, and maybe that’s why I never ask, or even act like the chasm exists,

It feels like I’m speaking to you from a distance, and even yelling won’t let you hear me — but I’m right next to you, and it feels worse.

---

Something’s missing, I don’t know what

But I know that I’m finding it, or moving on in spite of it

And most of all, I know no one can fix it for me

I can’t give love or concern to anyone if I don’t learn to hold it myself first; but am I so wrong for wishing someone would hold my hand while I figure that out?