Thoughts…
I’m sitting here realizing that one of my friends has a ridiculously huge ego
And I can’t do anything about it, because the size of their ego means they refuse to believe anyone but them knows what’s going on in their head.
I’m sitting here, silent;
Weighing the pros and cons of speaking;
Trying to decide whether I need to speak or you want me to listen, and which of those two things is more important.
I’m sitting here, a little happy that you don’t leave when I tell you to
Because it feels like you know my thought process and you’re showing me that I’m not an inconvenience.
I’m sitting here, staring at my ceiling wondering how it’s possible that my imposter syndrome has gotten so bad, and realizing that I feel like a fraud because I am one, and my subconscious has always known what my conscious just caught up to.
I’m sitting here, wishing I could say what’s in my head, instead of hiding behind the labels of shy, anxious and awkward.
I’m sitting here, sniffling because I accepted things I’ve spent my whole life denying even though no one asked for all this self reflection
I’m sitting here, feeling empty because I’m not sure why I think so much in terms of what I’ve ‘deserved’ or ‘earned’ instead of what I’d like, what I want and what I need.
I’m sitting here, smiling then not, because I made a joke in my head and I don’t have anyone to tell it to because I never let anyone in; not enough for them to understand, not as much as I’ve always thought.
I’m sitting here, hyper aware that I’ve made mistakes and I’ve taken great effort to learn from and grow out of those mistakes— I can’t let myself walk back into them.
I’m sitting here, wondering why it’s so easy for me to fall back into the old habits of hating myself,
Even though I really don’t anymore,
But I still wonder why it’s in a corner of my mind, like a pipe that bursts with the right triggers.
I’m sitting here, not sure what I know about myself and what I made myself into just to be easy to like.
I’m sitting here, asking myself why I think so much and why my mind can’t just be a blank page and if I truly want that.
I’m sitting here, glad that I’m not trying to fix these problems by myself anymore, that I talk to the Holy Spirit instead, and I have someone who knows my innermost thoughts before I even say them, like the most selfish and delusional part of me has always wanted.
I’m sitting here, sad that old habits die hard; but I’m not fighting them alone anymore and that changes everything.